Friday, March 28, 2008

PostHeaderIcon big sister update....

So miss Brynn came home from her moms yesterday, and i must say, she really is having a hard time adjusting. I feel for her. And I do not know what we can do to make it better for her. I mean the adjustment isn't in our home so what can we do that will make her feel better there? Or will we just suffer the consequences of there inaction?

I picked her up at her moms and when i got there she was whiny and clingy to her mom, who was holding the baby. Brynn wanted nothing to do with the baby, she wouldn't even say goodbye to her she refused to kiss her goodbye. She made her mom give her like 1o hugs before she left. Brynn usually doesn't act this way towards her mom. She usually gives one hug and is ready to go! It really breaks my heart to see Brynn feel this way. Ryan told me Brynn was having a hard week, and that she was having trouble adjusting. when we got in the car she told me that "im upset that the baby is here, I dont like listening to her. she makes me mad."
Later at dinner with some friends Brynn asked Steven "do you want to hold my hand?" and Steven said "oh no baby I'm eating right now" well Brynn got pissed! her response "don't you love me?" he of course responded with " of course i love you, but right now its time to eat dinner, you can hold my hand when we walk to the ice cream store"
Well that broke Stevens heart. He cannot understand how a 4 year old child can have such insecurities.
Our fear is that if at her other home, things are not handled to her emotional needs to help her adjust, By the time our baby comes she is going to be so resentful of the 1st baby, she will automatically be resentful of ours. This is a scary thought. I really hope next week her 3 days there are much better then this weeks.


Mary said...

I feel your concern is valid, however the only purpose that you and Steven have for Brynn is to remain a stable force. You have no control of what Brynn does at her moms.

It seems to me Brynn is insecure with the new baby and she wants to be next to her mom for reassurance that she is not being replaced. This need can only be filled by her mom..
A suggestion? Maybe Brynn should be able to stay with her mom a little extra now, so she can get that reassurance... if this is not something her mom can do, then and Steven need to give her some extra special attention for now... Talk about her new sister and tell her how lucky she is and then bring in her new baby coming.. involve only positive aspects regarding her new sister... make it OK...

this is how you can help Brynn... who is our main concern...

Sarah Michele said...

I have no real helpful words other than what you already know.. .which is that this is so totally normal.

I wouldn't say that Brynns attitude is a result of any inaction at her moms house. Bringing a newborn home is pure chaos. I don't think there is much that can be done other than constantly reassuring her that she is not replaceable. You can't make her mom or Ryan do anything more, you can only do what you can from your end.

I understand the worry you feel about having t o go through this again in 7 months. Honestly, it will probably be just as tough all over again. Just be prepared and start talking about it now. You really can not tell her too many times how important she is :)

It would be really tough to be in Brynn's shoes and I think thats where everyones point of view should be coming from. Thanks for the update and things will get smoother soon enough.

Vicki said...

This will shake out Monica. Soon as Brynn realizes things really are all right.
Every older child goes through it. Don't make a big deal about it to her or she'll just get worried again that she is right.
Tell her she is being silly, then carry on as usual, give her a hug and go make cookies. But, do let her talk about it.

Sarah Michele said...

I also wanted to add that its very important to validate her feelings right now. When she acts mad about the baby you can say "I can see how that would make you mad" or when she is sad and insecure you can say "I understand how this may hurt your feelings."

If she is told that she shouldn't have hurt feelings or that she shouldn't be mad then she will begin to feel that she isn't being heard or understood.This could lead to her feeling more and more "pushed away"

Even though we know she has nothing to worry about, she is really feeling these emotions and she need to know that we understand that she is feeling them- and that is perfectly ok to feel that way.

I think if she is met with understanding and validation from this side of the family then when speck comes she will be better able to share her feelings.

Hope that helps :)

Monica said...

She actually stayed an extra day at her moms,(steven had to work) and that was actually too much for her mom, she was very relieved when we came to get her. and asked us to keep her a lil extra this week. Im sure in a couple weeks brynn will realize that she is still loved and that nothing can replace her.I hate seeing her feel sad. Im sure learning to share your parents love is hard, especially when you have been the center of everything. I dont remeber how i felt when my brother came,but i was about brynns age, ill have to ask my mom, But my life i feel was more stable at that time than brynns is now. i didnt bounce back and foth as much as she does.
Im not trying to control what she does at her moms i know i cant, but i do worry about her when she is there. and i dont think that will ever change...i worry about her when ever she is not with me.
She is a very sensitive child, who doesnt like change no matter how small it is. But in life comes change and i hope we do the best we can to help her deal with it.
We are having family night tonight were going to watch some new movies she got, and play games. I really think she needs a lot of daddy time right now since mommy time is not as abundant. Hopefully once her mom fully recovers and the baby is all settled that will change. and she can spend more time there untill her mom goes back to work.

I tell her a lot, even before this that if she gets mad at something or is she is sad about something that its ok to feel that way. I hate when people try to tell me my feelings are inappropriate, so i do try to always validate her feelings even if i dont agree. if she is sad and wants to cry for 5 minutes i let her sometimes she just needs to do that. Sometimes she likes to be left alone cause she is mad, and i let her sit alone till she is done. It usually never lasts long.

Sarah Michele said...

She is lucky to have you. I am sure she knows that you are on her side, kids are intuitive like that.

You always have her well-being in mind and like everyone has said, this will shake out. You are doing a great job!

Vicki said...

I agree with a lot of this, but I also know that young children really don't know what they are feeling, and you have to take charge then, and not let them wallow in confusion.
To focus too much on it just adds to the fire.
Suck it up I say...: )
Nah, Brynnie will be fine, she is honestly loved and she will feel that and know it.

Mary said...

Brynn is learning that you and Steve continue to love her. She needs normalcy and your house provides it.

You are very correct to say Brynn is sensitive... Steve is too! Jonny too! It is a great quality.. and baby speck could be that way as well...